I was born in too diverse family, sometimes they were religious, sometimes they weren't. I witnessed my maternal grandmother went to church every Sunday, sometimes with me or my sister. Meanwhile, my paternal grandpa was a devout Buddhist. He went to Vihara twice a month, or when a special event/sermon took place. I recalled it clearly, how I attended Buddhist prayer more often than Catholic's, even though it was my parents' religion.
I was not given proper religious source in my childhood, even though I attended Catholic pre-school, primary school, and secondary school. When I asked my mom what her reason was, she stated that "Catholic private school conducts classes in Catholic beliefs, and I assure you could get the Catholic lesson there."
Both of my parents are believer; my mom is Catholic since birth, and my dad was Catholic, then converted to Christian a decade ago. My dad is religious, devout, and regular attendee of the Christian church since he converted. And, my mom? I think she prays often, rely on God and St. Mary, but it seems that she doesn't go to church except Christmas and Easter. I wouldn't judge or discredit her beliefs towards God, because although she is my mom, the relation between her and God is carried vertically not horizontally.
Because of the slight confusion during that time about my religious identity, I attended both Catholic mass and Buddhist sermon almost every week. Sometimes I prayed in Catholic manner, and sometimes I also praised the Buddhas with incense. I would say that I enjoyed every moments back then until I decided to get baptized and first communion as one of Catholic sacraments at the age of 9 (grade 4).
Primary school heavily influenced me to dig more about this church. Since the curriculum allowed me to learn about Catholicism once a week—taught by a teacher who was commonly known as devilish teacher' despite the subject she taught—, the school building was in the same complex with a church, and we were assigned to attend mass in first friday every month. Not only the 'beauty of Catholicism' (traditions, symbols, studies) that I experienced during this time, I had been always curious to seek and received enormous urgencies to become the member.
I was thinking that it was such unfortunate that I was not baptized shortly after I was born—something that was familiar and normal for a baby whose family is practicing Catholicism—till I realized that, probably, my mom didn't let me to be the church's member so early because she wanted me to grow up in diversity and got a new point of view, in which I grew up seeing my dad converted, my Buddhist grandpa and its practice, my grandma who was more that just a regular member of the Catholic church. Eventually, it shaped me to be more tolerant and inclusive.
However, because I tend to learn the practice only via textbooks, weekly mass, and 'misdinar's class—sometimes it's also called as altar boy', I only grasped and proceeded the 'good terms' of the church. I never heard about priests sexual crime against minor and women, until I watched movie 'Spotlight'. I never guessed that my church has also ever been heavily criticized for being too powerful and abuse of indulgence, mainly through commercialization. Recently, I also accused this church doesn't treat women and men equally, in term of entering the hierarchy. Women are allowed to be nun in maximal level, meanwhile men are allowed to be pope, the only person who is able to control the church and its rules, the head of the hierarchy. So unfair.
But I do not want to firmly accept my findings regarding them and decide to leave. It was a truly 'exhausting' journey indeed to digest these sudden informations at once. I was clueless, yet I decided not to be reckless. Even though I was burdened with emotional strikes and unanswered questions, I will continue believing and looking for the answers I really want to hear. Perhaps, while carrying the heavy amount of discomfort, I've found the answer but it's still unclear and blurry; because I then realized that church and the people maintaining it would never be perfect.
In my honest opinion, 'believing God' and 'become member of the church' are different. God is the supreme deity whom I rely to whether in difficult or good situation. He might not be 'visually seen', but I could feel His presence, blessing that is not uncountable and explainable. He is there, fulfill every needs without condemning the sins I've always done and forgot. He is really caring and loving Father for me.
Meanwhile, church is a universal medium, a big community which could be used to gather the 'believers of God'. It is a great basis, because church can accommodate believers and seekers with various ways to pray, interpret and command rules, and provide calmness for some including myself.
I chose to be a believer of God and member of the church because I could maintain relationship with Jesus through Catholicism. The tradition, practice suit me and I adjusted to them very well.
However, I am still critical towards the controversies made by the church's members & priests. It is so heartbreaking to witness the split, crimes, and misbehaviour within Catholic church. It's troublesome for me to be honest, since I wanted solemn & peace.
I always hope and pray for their flaws and imperfections. As what I said earlier about Church would never be perfect, I don't want them to hide behind the "imperfection is basic trait of human" kind of reason because I think it's a solid evidence of neglection. I believe that church will take actions to solve the problems with the help of God, Jesus Christ, even if it takes time.
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