Overcame My Biggest Fear

Source: youthfmay on Twitter

Every time I look at this beautiful fan art of the iconic scene from My Liberation Notes, the heavy burden I’ve been carrying painfully for the past two years feels like it’s slowly fading. I wonder—when will my time come? Or… will it ever come?

Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and see someone hopelessly tired. Just like Mijeong, commuting to work with no reason other than simply showing up and getting through the day, I realize I have something in common with her. Something good will come today. Maybe I should believe that with my whole heart—because Mijeong eventually gets it. And maybe… I will too, someday.

My journey of being truthful to myself, and becoming an open book to my friends, family, and colleagues, has never been an easy path. That’s one of the reasons I started this blog five years ago, when I realized I needed a space to pour out all my unspoken feelings.

I don’t share much of my stories here, since it takes time and a bit of solitude to shape those feelings into something meaningful. Most of the time, I just keep them in my mind or turn them into rambling Twitter threads. It really depends on the mood of the day.

As I’m writing this, I’m sitting at my little workspace while trying to make it tidier every day. I have a pile of work to submit this week, but the thoughts lingering in my head about my biggest fear need to be released first. I’m finally writing this with a smile, feeling completely at ease.

I’ve shared before about my traumatic experience with writing academic journals and theses because honestly, only God knows how TIRING and  DRAINING it was. I cried almost every day, completely stressed out, burnt out, and broke. 

A year has passed. You need to start again. I kept telling myself. Last year, writing a scientific journal wasn’t my top priority. I was unproductive and frankly very unbothered by the fact that this avoidance might cost me satu kali BKD merah, meaning a delayed promotion or career progress. I convinced myself that avoiding it altogether would give me peace. But the truth is… it didn’t. Not at all.

At the end of 2024, I realized I had to get honest about it. I had barely talked about it with my spv (not an official spv, he;s actually a former lecturer who taught me on college turned into colleague I deeply respect). But one day, I finally made peace with myself and opened up to him about the fear and struggle I had been battling. I told him I needed courage and guidance to start over. He simply said, That’s fine, it happens to everyone. Don’t be scared. I’ll help you.

And that saved my career, my sanity, and my life.

I opened the folder that had been left untouched for two years. Those manuscripts, my babies. I read them one by one, this time with much more patience. I stumbled upon a manuscript I wrote as my final project in a field I always knew I wanted to contribute to: cyber activism. My heart felt heavy as I read through the passages, knowing I had written them in the middle of the night while sobbing. I hated doing it back then, even though the topic (brand campaigns about gender) used to be one of my ultimate favorites. I had spent countless nights reading and studying those books, completely fascinated by it all.

I spent a whole week correcting my own writing and adding the latest citations, now with pure happiness, with that particular spark I thought I had lost. I cried a little (not out of sorrow, but out of joy thankfully). I genuinely wanted to give myself the biggest hug.

After weeks of submissions and revisions, the manuscript was finally published. I let out the deepest sigh when I saw my name on it. I did it. I overcame my biggest fear in the most dramatic way possible. I won a battle I had fought alone. Something good eventually found its way to meet me that day.

(ok a bit of hameless advertising wkwk, you can read my current published journal here: Wacana Cyberactivism ‘Haters Gonna Haid’ mengenai Menstrual Taboo dalam penggunaan Menstrual Cup di Instagram Filmore Pharma)

Now, as I approach my third year as a lecturer, I strive for nothing more than to keep growing stronger every day. I’m still learning, still finding my own pace, but I trust it will take me somewhere meaningful. At the moment, I’m gearing up to produce another piece of writing for next semester and this time, on K-pop, fandom, and activism. And yes, I’m also preparing for my upcoming promotion!

I’m so grateful that God helped me not to give up so easily. Honestly, I have no idea where I’d be if He hadn’t looked upon me again and guided me out of this dark tunnel. I am truly and deeply grateful that He gave me another chance.